As new parents, we adapt to and learn a whole new vocation with varying levels of preparation and knowledge. This process doesn't come with a university degree or a certification you can simply take! It involves some trial and error and includes making decisions that involve trade-offs.
However...
In this learning process, we sometimes lean into certain tools or tricks that feel like quick fixes (and maybe we need those in the short term). But then we allow ourselves to grow dependent on these things, and we end up limiting our child's development in the process. I would argue we also limit our own parenting development. You are stronger than you think, and you can become even stronger and feel the freedom without these dependencies.
What kinds of dependencies am I referring to?
• Pacifiers
• Cribs
• High chairs
• Swings & Saucers
• Strollers
Do these seem like the core, essential parenting tools you cannot live without? Well, hear me out for a moment; tough love coming up...
Think about it this way: when choosing what to eat for your daily meals, you could always opt for microwavable pre-packaged delights. You'll check the box of eating and finish dinner quickly. Phew - check! There will be moments in life when so many other things are a priority that this is the kind of energy you have at the end of the day, and this is the best choice given the circumstances. However! You're probably health-conscious enough to know that pre-packaged, mass-produced, and processed foods that are flash-frozen and then cooked by microwave, if made your lifelong habit, WILL lead to the deterioration of your body and serious health concerns in your 40s rather than your 70s. So you have to limit how much you fall back on the ease of these meals.
Now let's look at that list again and apply the same principle:
Pacifiers
Why we use them:
We quickly see a correlation between crying baby >> insert pacifier = quiet baby. It definitely appears like a solution.
They become a problem when:
We insert the pacifier every time our baby (or toddler!) cries, which means we're not discerning between cries or determining the actual problem causing our child to cry. We no longer listen carefully enough. This leads to the pacifier becoming the only tool in the drawer to fix anything, and when we feel that way, we keep the pacifier in their mouth until they are 3, and we start to realize they aren't talking very much and their teeth form this funny round shape... (I am absolutely speaking from experience here, friends! I did this exact thing with my first child. I didn't make any of this up!).
Best Use:
Use pacifiers occasionally as a holdover when you cannot quite sit down to feed them for another 2-3 minutes and for long car rides when they cannot see you very well and feel nervous in the back seat all alone. Ideally, we should wean our babies from the pacifier by about 8 months of age. After that, a real dependency will develop, and that becomes a much harder time to wean from it. Additionally, when we do use it, we should be mindful that it is not a solution in itself but provides a temporary holding pattern until we can provide the real solution (food, sleep, or snuggles).
Cribs/Swings & Saucers/Strollers/High chairs
In the Montessori world, we call these "containers," and you'll see why in a moment.
Why we use them:
They keep the child in one place so we can be hands-free and not worry about them getting hurt or doing something other than the activity we want them to do at that moment. They do provide a place for a designated activity, to be sure, but in a "forced to be there whether you like it or not" kind of participation.
They become a problem when:
Sometimes containment is a way to immediately manage chaos, but then it can become a way of just limiting movement overall, and movement is essential for growth and brain development.
Best Use:
Use these tools before children have the mobility to move in and out of these spaces. Then, as soon as possible, as their mobility develops, give them free access to the spaces designed for eating, sleeping, travel, etc. This will encourage them to choose these spaces at the right time, and they will be more content to be in them when necessary. Otherwise, you risk creating a dependency in your child on these items for comfort, which can lead to laziness or delayed gross motor skills, or you frustrate them and end up with a screaming, resistant toddler who just wants to practice their crawling or walking skills.
In conclusion, while these "containment" strategies and tools can be useful in certain situations, it's crucial to use them mindfully and sparingly. As parents, our goal should be to foster independence, encourage exploration, and support our children's natural development. By being aware of the potential pitfalls of overusing these tools, we can make more informed choices that benefit both our children and ourselves in the long run. Remember, parenting is a journey of growth for both you and your child. Embrace the challenges, be patient with yourself, and trust in your ability to adapt and learn. By doing so, you'll not only support your child's development but also grow into a more confident, intuitive parent. The key is balance – using these tools when truly necessary while continually working towards creating an environment that allows your child to thrive naturally.
Comments